Tonight I had fun.
Like real fun.
For the first time, in a long time – if I am being honest.
Let me tell you a story about a girl who wandered off of her path (more than once).
I used to laugh.
Even though I was hurting, angry, sad, confused. I loved laughing.
I would temporarily take me out of my moment and just be somewhere else. Like reading a book.
Until one day I stopped.
Instead of laughing my way through hard shit,
I drank. A lot.
I smoked. A lot.
I ate. A lot.
I spent. A lot.
I stopped tears. A lot.
I complained. A lot.
I sought out the wrongs of life. A lot.
I feared. A lot.
I yelled (at my son). A lot.
I was confused.
I thought I had gotten past the hard shit in life.
I was free from my first marriage, which felt more like a prison, where I spent 7 years really far away from my light.
Jack was past the screaming age.
I had a good job.
I had health care.
I had love.
I had a pretty home.
None of that mattered.
Somewhere in between seeing and trusting my light (leaving my first husband) and now – I got lost again. I wandered away from my path. I lost sight of my light. I looked away for too long.
I started listening to other people’s fears of my new light.
I started listening to other people’s ideas of what I should do.
I started listening to other people’s opinions of how I should be.
I quieted down.
I did the things that were safe (only).
I leaned into other’s negativity and doubts.
I dimmed my light because it wasn’t organized, well thought out, or the norm.
Before I gave myself a chance to really shine, I blew out my own flame, again.
It was no one’s fault. I made the choices I did.
And ultimately, I know it always had to go that way.
I wasn’t ready for the football stadium lights that I know I have inside. My heart wasn’t ready to really wake up.
But She is now.
Tonight I danced.
In my kitchen. Barefoot. To the cha cha slide.
I got D.O.W.N. while feeding my baby who laughed her big ol belly laugh at me, while Jack laughed and rolled his eyes and ran away from me, while I ate a frozen pizza and Halloween candy.
With a sink full of dishes and living room littered with toys, and kids who needed baths – and I just danced.
And it was glorious.
I laughed & danced and for that 4 mins, I was reminded why I will never ever give up on having fun and laughing again. Ever. Even if no one else hears the music.
Follow what lights you up. You will never be guided wrong. And even if one step doesn’t work out – just do the cha cha slide and call it a dance.